A meal for the sick.

February 28, 2010

I am currently on a liquid diet. This diet consists of beef broth, water, jello and white wine. Other than that I am STARVING. The pain is the worst. I think I could deal with my 24 hour liquid diet if I didnt have to take the laxatives. I have the worst case of gut rot. Why am I doing this? Because I have surgery in the morning. Recently I took a trip to the hospital for some serious stomache pain and found that I have a hemoraging ulcer. Now I am going for surgery to put bands on my intestines.

So with all of that sad, I am in a shitty fucking mood. Adding to that, my mother has some people over and is making my favourite meal. Its not that she did it on purpose ( the type of meal was determined before the surgery), but what a dammmmnnnnnn coincedence. I just want to curl up in bed and cry. Im scared to go for surgery and I know its a pretty minor procedure but I do NOT do well with needles and IVs and all that jazz.

Well lets see how it goes….


Oh dear woodstove,

I am freezing. I know my Mother stokes you, but you do not warm me. My feet are cold and my finger tips are numb. Could you please spread your warmth into the dinning room?

I wanna get violent.

February 24, 2010

Yet another thing on our car has gone for a shit. We have lost a wheel baring, again. For the second time in two months. Bahhhhh! God damn it, we just need a fucking break. Its going to cost a freaking fortune to have it done, even with my Dad’s parts discount. We are suppose to be saving for the wedding and getting an apartment. Now I have to dip into my savings annnndddd take the money I was going to say to survive the next two weeks. Bahhumbug.

To add to this, we have been looking at renting this house down the street from my parents. Its basically everything we want in a place right now. It was in the paper a few months ago, but we didnt have the money then. Well about a month ago, guess whats in the paper? The home we had been looking at, and at a cheaper price. So we call yesterday and the husband takes a message. The wife calls us back and lets us know that she had rented the house out the same day we called. Just our fucking luck.

So know we think we must move into town, which leaves Bill in a shitty situation for the Fire Dept. because it will be outside the district. He could always joing the town’s department, but he is extremely comfortable with where he is. So this puts me in a shitty place because I will feel guilty if he leaves because I want our own place.

I don’t know what to do. Arggghhh.

Well I guess thats life. I just wish it was a bit more balanced.

1 – Finish Hair School
2 – Get my Hair Styling license
3 – Get my drivers license
4 – Get married
5 – Get my own appartment
6 – Finish reading the Lord of the Rings Trilogy
7 – Get a tatto
8 – Get a mother/daughter tattoo
9 – Read 30 new books ( 3 of 30)
10 – Grow out my hair
11 – Chop all of my hair off
12 – Buy my living room at Ikea
13 – Go to Montreal for a weekend
14 – Go camping at Ahmic Lake for a weekend
15 – Buy a new TV
16 – Lose 70 pounds
17 – Go someplace warm for the winter
18 – Buy a SunGlow Cornsnake and then name her Charolette a.k.a Charlie
19 – Buy a Boa Constricter and then name him Goose
20 – Have a fish tank full of colourful fish
21 – Grow a plant from a seed
22 – Get on a snow mobile
23 – Have a baby
24 – Go to the Royal Ontario Museum with my Mom
25 – Celebrate my 21st Birthday in the States
26 – Learn how to use a sewing machiene
27 – Learn how to make clothes
28 – Paint a set of three pictures for my living room
29 – Go to New York City
30 – Buy a laptop
31 – Get my second holes in my ears pierced
32 – Stay up all night and watch the sun rise
33 – Take a road trip
34 – Cook a meal just for Bill and I from scratch
35 – Get up early and make Bill’s lunch in a decent mood
36 – Go to the ABA Hair Show in Toronto
37 – Spend a night out of town for NO REASON
38 – Make pumpkin pie from scratch, with an actual pumpkin
39 – Learn how to make Neopolitan Squares
40 – Knit myself a scarf
41 – Buy all the seasons of Grey’s Anatomy and watch them all with Bill
42 – Try something new at Starbucks, drink or snack * finishedRed Velvet Cupcake
43 – Own all the Metallica Albums
44 – Go to the Embassy with Lauren
45 – Write a story
46 – Type up my diary as a note on facebook and actually post it
47 – Read the Divine Comedy
48 – Colour my hair pink, again
49 – Bring all my magazines to the Thrift store or give them away
50 – Go see my Grandma Brewster
51 – Buy a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes
52 – Own Princess by Vera Wang, again
53 – Teach Bill how to cook something
54 – Buy a new mattress
55 – Buy a new bed spread
56 – Get a job that I love or like
57 – Hang out with/ Go see Amy Spero
58 – Go to my sisters Grade 8 Grad
59 – Bake a loaf of bread from scratch
60 – Make my own creative food dish, and perfect it to be edible *finished My own verison of Chelsea Buns
61 – Go in the water at the beach at least once during the summer
62 – Design a piece of jewelry, and make it
63 – Finish this list * finished
64 – Spend 200 dollars at Additionelle
65 – Buy a pair of real winter boots
66 – Carve a pumpkin
67 – Handmake a halloween costume
68 – Buy a wedding dress
69 – Buy a new pair of hair cutting scissors
70 – Get up earlier than everyone else
71 – Drive out of town for Arby’s
72 – Bake sugar cookies * finished I helped my Mom bake.
73 – Bake a cake * finished – I made a chocolate covered cheesecake
74 – Take Scott to the bar in town * finished Super fun! Jan 30/10

75 – Play a game of pool
76 – Write a note on facebook about how I really feel and post for an hour only
77 – Buy a pumpkin spice candle
78 – Burn a pumkin spice candle
79 – Take Scott on a tour of Parry Sound * finished  Deathly bumps, Scott lost his coffee. Haha, it was EVERYWHERE.
80 – Go on a road trip with Bill to Bracebridge
81 – Buy Vannila tea
82 – Watch the movie Fame * finishedRented it fronm Movie Galllery
83 – Rent a bunch of lame scary movies and watch them with my Mom
84 – Meet my new cousin
85 – Go mini putting
86 – Finish the wedding invitations
87 – Book the caterer and photograper and dj for my wedding
88 – Eat Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough Icecream, a pint to myself
89 – Mail the letter I wrote to my Grandma
90 – Walk to the store for icecream with my Mom
91 – Make successful and edible pancakes
92 – Braid someones hair * finished  –  Nickee Evoy’s.
93 – Go wedding dress shopping with my Mom
94 – Paint each of my nails a different colour
95 – Dance to the song She-Wolf by Shakira * finishedDanced with Riley to the song.
96 – Get a tattoo for my Grandfather
97 – Sit through all the Lord of the Rings movies with my Mom, even though it will drive me nuts
98 – Go for Sunday breakfast with Bill
99 – Buy a new pair of jeans *finished Walmart, $25
100 – Roast marshmellows
101 – Pay off my outstanding phone bill
Monday January 11th, 2010 to Monday October 8th, 2012

Where o’ where has it gone?

February 22, 2010

The glorious sun is gone away again, and now the bitter cold has returned. My mood today definatly relfects on the weather. I could barely get my ass out of bed to help my mom with babysitting ( she really messed up her back sledding yesterday). When I did finally get my ass out of bed I was greeted with cloudy skies and loooowww temperatures. Ick.

A review on my Chelsea Buns, they turned out great. My family loved them, which was nice. I make everything from scratch.  Go me! I also made a chocolate covered cheesecake to have for dessert tonight. We are having a HUGE ham.

So without the sun, I am not as motivated to do cheery things. I am in a rather pissy mood.

Last night I had the shit scared out of me because my parents were sledding home in the dark with my two youngest siblings. My mom had called to tells us they were on their way. This was at 8:15. She said to give them 45 mins before calling their friends and telling them they were not home yet. At 9:15 I called the Willis house and told them my dilemma. Then at 10 they called be back. No sigh of them. So I start to call other people and send them out to look for my parents. Then at about 10:15, in come my parents. They had been walking for the last hour and a half home because my brother’s sled had run out of gas. When my dad tried to tow it, he rolled his own sled.

Interesting night for all of us to say the very least.

ITS SUNNY! Can it be? Have we really had TWO full days of glorious sunshine and vitamin D? I can feel spring in my bones!! I woke up this morning in a great mood and I truely believe all of this sunshine is giving has given me quite the boost. I want to go out and do something.

Bill is making eggs and baked beans for lunch, while I enjoyed a slice of banana bread. I think I might atempt to make Chelsea Buns today. I have made them before and they were great but I cannot remember how to remotly make the dough. We shall see….

My exremely good friend Mae is coming out today for a visit. If she isn’t too hung over. That should be later today because I know she intends to sleep for sometime this afternoon.

Well I think I am off to enjoy the rest of my coffee and a nice smoke out front in the sun.


February 21, 2010

I have no sympathy for you. Too me, this is your lesson. A very good life lesson at that. Karma has come back for you, and it wants blood. All of those things you stole from me, ideas and personality traits, are not going to seem worth it when you look back on the last few years. The things that you did and the things that you said are going to come back and haunt you. It feels amazing to finally have some justice in this whole matter because its happening to you the way it did with me.

She will be super jealous and want everything that you have. That includes relationships, perfume, tattoos, haircuts, clothes and the even the way you talk. At first it will be flattering. Then it will become tedious, annoying, frustrating and then finally it will become infuriating. She will always try to one up you. She will get a bigger house, a nicer car and a bigger diamond just to see your face grow hot with envy. You will want to kill her, you will cry and yell. It will take everything not to grab her by the hair at the dinner table and bring her down for a good shit kicking. When she shoves something dear to you in your face and you realize she has a bigger, better version, it will eat at you.

Through it all I will smile and nod and tell you she is just a cow. I will text you back at 4 in the morning and listen to you cry on the phone. Sure, I will be here, but the entire time I will be laughing on the inside. Why? Because I truly believe you deserve all of it. Its your turn.

Not this time.

February 21, 2010

I have made the decision to post-pone my wedding. Just a few months into next year, nothing huge. I am hoping that the hall that I booked will allow it. Just got to think positive!

We have decided to push the date back because we are trying to establish our own home. We have been looking at a house thats real close to my parents and Bill’s job. Its a cute little house. Obviously we are only in a position to rent but we are keeping our fingers crossed in hope that the place is available when we call on Monday.

I am super excited to finally be on our way to getting our own place. I cannot wait for the freedom. It all comes down to being able to walk around in underwear and not care. Cheesy, I know, but to be able to go pee without freezing my ass off to run into my parents house in the middle of the night is going to be fucking amazing.

I know my mother is excited for us to get out. We are currently holding her studio hostage and using it as our living space. She offered so its her own damn fault! I know she regrets it. Sometimes we joke about it. She tells me to get out all the time. Either way us moving out is going to be an enjoyable experience for everyone.

Scott, our bestfriend, is planning on moving here from the city in about a month so thats also exciting. It will help with the rent and the hydro. (And we have our bestfriend here finally!) I know its going to be like having two Bills around and its going to be twice the mess but I think I can handle. Im sure I can scream loud enough to make both of them shake in their panties. Cause Im bad ass and they know it. Haha.

Im not one for change.

February 16, 2010

I know that at some point my mother will read this, considering she has a blog on here aswell and there will be a talk or a yell. But at this point I don’t care. I don’t know her anymore. She is not the mother that raised me. She is a stranger that I have grown to accept as my mother in the last few months. That was the hardest part of moving here, realising the mother I had thought that I had no longer exsisted, but instead was replaced. The views and ways I had grown up knowing and living by were suddenly gone. It left me feeling lost, like I no longer had that one person who shared almost all of the same views but instead a woman who enjoyed a Wiccan religion and playing Holly Homemaker. Sometimes the strong, independant woman has coffee with me in the morning, other times its this new, self-helped woman who actually does care what people think of her. She constantly reminds us not to embarass her or talks about people who constantly talk about her and I know that it eats at her to have anyone think a small amount less of her. She is the kind of person that even those who live miles away are influenced by her and her ideas. 

So I sit at the table with her, coffee in hand, and listen to her words of wisdom. I take in her advice, she is my mother  so in a sense I feel that she is much wiser than I. As she talks I can’t help but think, who are you? Where did you put my mother? This person talks about losing negativity and helping yourself. Here read this book, it will be good for you. The mother I know would have been right beside me telling this woman to shut it. We are fine. We like it this way. But she is a different person. She is truely a good person. I know she loves me and I love her. But Im the kind of person that does not take change gently.

I guess what Im trying to say is that sometimes Im scared that one day I will lose the woman I call my hero.

This time last year I was the golden child. I had my shit together. And now? I feel as though I’ve lost the magic. I have refused to work and believe that the cause really is just my lack of work ethic and fear of a new enviroment. Thus I am dubed useless. To add to it I have moved back into my parents home. Big “no-no” in their books. Odd thing is they let me come back. My mother even suggested it.

At first things were great, but thats how it always is when a child moves home. You tend to still hold guest manners. Then we got about 6 months in and it was What are your plans? Where are you going with life? Are you going to get a job or not? Anyone who is of right mind would know that when someone promising not to judge what you decide to do with your time a part of you belives them. Welll….I am a logical girl and even I didn’t see throught the bullshit.

At this point, Im engaged. I have a wedding date and a beautiful venue. And all I can think about is how to back out. Do I cancel it? No, I don’t want to be a failure at everything. So scratch that. Well then I think I will post-pone it. Can’t do that either because at this point I have realised, if I do any of that, in a sense I am still failing. I allow my mother to talk me out of both.

I finally feel great about the wedding again……and its cut short again. Your father doesn’t understand why your with a guy like that. Don’t be offended, its just that women usually find men like their fathers and your father believes he is nothing like him. We were just discussing you guys and your father had a few things to say about your relationship. Cue “punch in the gut” feeling. Look down so she doesn’t see that you’re on the verge of tears.

 What now? The things she said had got me thinking, am I doing the right thing? Have I just wasted 6 years of my life with a guy that everyones thinks isn’t right for me? Thats when I have the thought…You are a fucking moron! Of course you didn’t waste time with a guy they don’t see fit, you love him dont you?

That I do. I love my fiance. He is immature and crazy and one of the most decent guys I have ever met. He deals with the rage and the violence. He loves my size 16 ass. How could I second guess anything?

So that brings us to my losing of said “magic”.

My younger brother is in town this week with his girlfriend and has visited the house twice already. While out of the house and away from “ears” he brought up that things in the house seemed different. That we seemed sort of put out by everyone else. I sighed and told him what had been going on. My parents now saw him, the kid who orgionally fucked up his life, as the golden child now. He had a job and a great apartment and lots of things. Sure he was the same guy, the moody and unreliable guy, but he had advanced. At this point I had the boy laughing. But even he said it was true.

So now I am the child who is now advancing and just won’t live life. They say Im stuck, but I like the way I picture my future, even if they don’t.

So I guess with that all said. I can’t wait to leave.